There once was...........

There was an old harlot named Lofton,
Who was screwed amazingly often.
At sex she was tested.
She never was rested,
Until she was screwed in her coffin.


A besotted wench had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
When she picked up his hat
And realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. OH gee, Yogi missed out.

There once was a handsome Croatian
Who was the luckiest man in creation.
For his job was the treat
Teaching the Commie elite
The art of erotic copulation.

A young Polish girl gained great fame,
Through her unusual sexual games.
She was great fun to lay,
For her rectum would play,
Lively polkas, then call you bad names.

A WOP lawyer who filed a writ,
Nearly gave the poor judge a big fit.
When reproved for a fart,
He said, with a start,
"Whenever I break wind, I shit."

A Russian young lady of fashion,
Had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lovers she said,
As they'd climb into bed,
"Here's one thing those Commies can't ration."

The prim lady Bostonian
Had been raised to think sex was a sin.
But when she was tight
Fornication seemed right
So she lunched every day on straight gin.

The Wop girl with features cherubic
Had a monstrous area pubic.
When asked about her size
She replied with surprise,
"Are you asking 'bout square feet, or cubic?"

A desperate spinster named Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare
And prayed to her God
"Take me here on the sod"
Then a passerby answered her prayer.

The wizened old maid from Madras
Bragged of her magnificent ass;
But it was not rounded and pink,
As she hoped people would think---
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was an old maid name of May
Who was strolling one day by the bay.
She was seized by a man
Who raped her and ran.
Now she goes to the bay every day.

The old woman hopped on for a ride,
And they humped---till he suddenly died.
His wife, for a week,
Sat on his stiff peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.

The girl was beset with hysteria,
For she thought she'd come down with malaria.
But the family doc
Remarked, to her shock,
"It's crabs in the vaginal area."

There was a young lady named Alice
Who purchased a hard rubber phallus.
Since she learned its perfections
She shuns doctor's inspections---
It is such an odd place for a callus.

There was an old hermit of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
He explained,"I don't mind,
For she's gentle and kind,
But I wish she had slightly less hair."

A young girl on a trip to the equator,
Was fucked by an old alligator.
No one ever knew
How she relished the screw,
For after he fucked her he ate her.

A morbid woman named Jean
Was known as the Masochist Queen.
She used thistles and cactus
In her sadistic practice,
In a manner both odd and obscene.

An unfortunate hooker from Summit
Everytime she got laid, had to vomit.
When her man got a bone
She turned over and moaned,
"Give it here," she would say, "Let me gum it."

There was an old man in Bogota,
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
She didn't curse, did not swear.
She just climbed ona chair,
And pissed in his whisky-and-soda.

A clumsy young virgin named Fred
Took a patient old hooker to bed.
She let him fiddle awhile
Then pointed out with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."

There was a young student named Harter
Who achieved great renown as a farter.
His deafening reports
At spectator sports
Made him much in demand as a starter.

The streetwalker said to the hick,
"I refuse to suck farmers' boys' dicks.
I really don't mind
The hay dust and grime
But the smell of your balls makes me sick."

A young man whose sight was myopic
Shied away from all sex as a topic.
So poor were his eyes
That despite its great size
His member appeared microscopic.

A Russian young lady of fashion,
Had oodles and oodles of passion.
To her lovers she said,
As they'd climb into bed,
"Here's one thing those Commies can't ration!"

A painted and padded old wench
Oft claimed not to know what they meant.
When men asked her her age,
She'd exclaim in great rage,
"My age is the age of consent!"

There was a young lady, Miss Rockingham,
Who'd accept any cocks without pickin' 'em.
Then she'd kneel on the sod,
And pray to her God
To lengthen and straighten and thicken them.

A philanthropist name of Simon
Launched a nationwide search for a hymen.
But they found every girl
Had relinquished that pearl
In exchange for a jewel or some stipend.

No one can tell about Myrtle
Whether she's sterile or fertile.
If anyone tries
To tickle her thighs
She closes them tight like a turtle.

She wasn't what one would call pretty.
All the other girls offered her pity;
So nobody guessed
That her syphillis test
Panicked half the men in the city.

A mortician's young daughter named Maddie
Told an eager, virginal laddie,
"If you do what I say,
We can have a great lay,
Since I've buried more stiffs than my daddy."

One night a zookeeper named Rawls
Fell asleep while he washed some cage walls.
He was jolted awake
When a very large snake
Was swallowing both of his balls.

There was a farmer names Osteen
Who was screwing a milking machine.
On the thirty-fifth stroke
The goddamn thing broke
And beat his balls into whipped cream.

A horny young girl in a mansion,
Got laid three times by a man most handsome.
When she cried out for more,
There came a groan from the floor,
The man said, "I'm Simpson, not Samson."

An acrobatic young man with blond hair
Was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in the mid-air.

A skinny old maid from Sheboygan
Wed a short-peckered son-of-a-gun.
She said, "I don't care
If there isn't much there.
God knows it's better than none."

There was a young Frenchman from Nantes
Who all morals and laws he did flaunt,
For he screwed all his dozens,
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.

Exxon, Standard Oil and Shell
Formed a big world-wide pussy cartel.
Till it took scads of money
For even one taste of honey
A poor man could not get a smell.

A husband who craved to be sterile
Because of the pregnancy peril
Said, "I've thought of vasectomy
But my wife then might hector me,
And threaten divorce when we quarrel."

Said the wife, "My husband's a creep,
I'm so tired and pissed I could weep.
For my husband demands,
To hold a tit in each hand,
Then the bastard walks 'round in his sleep."

There was a young girl name of Bass
Who had absolutely no class.
Her idea to please,
Was to get on her knees
So a prick could be shoved up her ass.

A sexy young girl from old Ipswich
Had a nearly intolerable crotch itch.
Till her neighbor's son, Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.

There was an old miner named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, "I'm perverse,
As a lay, it's the worst,
But think of the money I save!"

The lustful young wife was a rover
Who adulterously told men who drove her
To cry, when they came,
"Oh, my, what a shame,
We'll have to start up all over!"

"It's time," said a hooker, Miss Loring
"That new avenues, I go exploring.
This street corner jazz
Is a pain in the azz,
And the men you meet whoring, are boring."

Said the female exec, to her beau,
"I've developed a pragmatic credo.
I support ERA
But there's times when I stray,
And the lib I support is libido."

A reckless punk rocker named Tate,
Got drunk before trying on skates.
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

A young traveler in Tahiti,
Went for a nude swim with his sweetie.
But as he pursued her
A huge barracuda
Bit off his erect masculinity.

On a wanton young wife name of Zelda
Her husband a chastity belt welded.
She tried picking the lock
With the gardener's cock
And the next thing he knew, he was gelded.

There is a young nurse in Japan
Who lifts men by their pricks to the pan.
This trick of jujitsu
Has castrated a few,
But it's made others more of a man.

A young man whose sight was myopic
Shied away from all sex as a topic.
So poor were his eyes
That despite it's great size
His penis appeared microscopic.