There once was...........

There once was a congressman named Weiner,



who had a perverted demeanor.



He was forced from the hill for acting like Bill,



now Congress is one weiner leaner.




Moral: You tweet your meat, you lose your seat.

from Killgrass,
who had two big balls made of brass.
when he clinked them together,
they played stormy weather, and,
lightning shot out of his ass.

who dreamt he was eating his shoe,
he awoke in the night,
with a terrible fright,
to find it was perfectly.............true.

"A dildo is really a con,
But it's less of a joke,
If I'm drunk when I poke,
Which is why I keep trying one on."

A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
With an unholy cry
She whipped out her glass eye.
And yelled, "Tell the boys I can take six!"

Liked his sex perverse and vicious.
He fucked two of his nieces
Then cut them to pieces
And cooked up a stew most delicious.

"That our music must wait for awhile.
I would love a duet,
But I can't join you yet,
Because ragtime was never my style."


There was an old miser named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, "I'm perverse,
As a lay, It's the worst,
But think of the money I save!"

Who achieved great renown as a farter.
      His deafening reports
      At spectator sports
Made him much in demand as a starter.            


There was a young man from Brighton,
Who thought he'd at last found a tight one.
      He said, "Oh, my love,
      It fits like a glove."
She said, "But you're not in the right one."    

Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand,
But now look at my hand!
You aren't wiping clean as you used to."


The young whore was such a crass shrew
She filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen."
When he reached the soprano,
Out came the guano
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.


A woman at cruise on the sea,
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the doc
"That accounts for the pox,
Of the captain, the first mate, and me."

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin'.


A girl lay with her beau by the fire
Then succumbed to her lover's desire.
She moaned, "That's a sin
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

Who molded a cunt out of clay
The heat from his dick
Turned it to brick
And it had to be chiseled away.

A shiftless young fellow named Kent
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older
The landlord grew colder
And now they live out in a tent.


There was a young girl name of Dale
Who put her ass up for sale.
For a twenty buck ante,
You could feel her fanny,
And fifty would get you real tail.

A young man of morals inferior
Was groping a lady's posterior.
He said, "Say my pet,
Your panties are wet."
"Sorry, sir, that's my interior!"

There once was a sensitive bride,
Who ran when the groom she espied.
When she looked at his swiver,
She started to quiver,
But when he got in, well, she sighed.

There was a young lady who said,
As her bridegroom got into the bed,
"I'm tired of this stunt,
That they do with my cunt,
You can enter my bottom instead."


With Robert, her boyfriend, Miss Cobb
Would nod when engaged in a job.
It was wrongfully said
She was bobbing her head,
When she really was heading her Bob.

A beach boy who liked to have fun
Kept screwing a girl in the sun.
While his ass, being bare,
Cooked to medium rare,
The girl kept exclaiming, "Well done."


A clever commercial female
Had prices tattooed on her tail.
And on that same behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

There was a young girl from Penn State
Who stuttered when out on a date.
By the time she cried , "S-s-s-stop!"
Or called for a c-c-c-cop,
It was often a wee bit too late.

There's a starlet who's still in her teens,
Who's adept at removing her jeans.
And in x-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures' obscene.

A young lady who suffered a hernia,
Said to her fresh doctor, "God darn ya,
When inspecting my middle,
You'd better not fiddle,
With matters that do not concern ya."


A pretty young maiden of France
Decided she'd once take a chance
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all of her sisters are aunts.

There was a young lady named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And the rest of her rained down in Dallas.

Masturbation, according to Freud
Is a very good thing to avoid.
If practiced every day,
Your balls will decay
To the size of a small adenoid.

There was a young named Alice
Who thought of her cunt as a chalice.
One night, sleeping nude
She awoke feeling lewd
And found in her chalice, a phallus.

A proper young lady from Wheeling
Oft professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist,
But she really prefers to wear gloves.

A certain young fellow named Dick
Liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick.
He taught them to fool
The right way with his tool,
Till the cream shot out nice and thick.

There was an old midwife in Gaul
Who had hardly no business at all.
She cried, "Hell and damnation!
There's no procreation---
God made the French penis to small!"

A malicious harlot from Bogota,
Constructed an erotic pagota,
And on all the walls,
She hung all the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

There was a young Polack named Rob
Who explained to his friends with a sob,
"I had a huge phallus
Till the night I goosed Alice,
And she bit off my shank at the knob."

There was a young Norwegian named Knute
Who suffered from warts on his root.
He put acid on these
And now when he pees,
He must finger his price like a flute.

A girl making love with Joe Poole
Felt his passion grow suddenly cool.
But no lack of affection
Reduced his erection--
But his zipper had closed on his tool.

The cock of a fellow named Randall
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle.
He was much in demand
For the colors were grand,
But the girls found him to hot to handle.

A foolhardy midget named Fisher
Stuck his wong in a fat lady's fissure.
Her labial snap
Caught him in a trap
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

At nudist camps, signs aren't so rare
Telling members, "of midgets beware!"
For they make members weep
For they just cannot keep
Their noses out of private affairs.