There once was...........

The soldier became so uncouth,
When his cock was shot off in his youth.
He screwed with his nose
And his fingers and toes
And he came through a hole in his tooth.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long, he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."

There was a rich woman named Hyatt
Who screwed a big man on the quiet.
But down by the wharf,
She'd visit a dwarf,
Whenever she went on a diet.

Well screwed was a boy named DuPlasse,
By all the lads in his class.
Then he said with a yawn,
"Now the novelty's gone,
And love's only a pain in the ass."

A bisexual chap name of Lunt
Taught himself an unusual stunt.
He could peel back his spout,
Then turn the skin inside out
Like a glove, to be used as a cunt.

King Louis gave a lesson in class,
Simultaneously screwing a lass.
When she used the word, "Damn,"
He rebuked her, "Please, ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue up my ass."

A man was approached by a queer,
Who made his intentions quite clear.
The man said, "I'm no prude,
So don't think me rude,
But I hate having pricks in my rear."

A gay traveler in Khartoum
Found a lesbian bunked in his room.
They argued for nights
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, to whom.

A charming gay guy named Bruce,
Whose favorite thrill was a goose,
At the touch of a thumb
He could feel himself come
And his bowels got all tingly---and loose.

The young man was hardly a prude.
He posed for artists in the nude.
But he drew the line
When fags touched his behind
And decided it ought to be screwed.

Lisped a limp-wristed cowboy named Ray,
"It's a hell of a place to be gay.
I must, on these prairies,
For shortage of fairies,
With the deer and the antelope play."

Two fussy old queers from Algiers
Were flustered and almost in tears,
For the buggers had spent
What they needed for rent,
And their landlord had said, "No arrears."

There was an old mucker named Price,
Who practiced every manner of vice.
He had cripples and boys,
And mechanical toys,
And on Sundays, he diddled with mice.

Two dykes from the far Adriatic,
Deciding to be more pragmatic,
Have switched from mere handling,
To mutual candling.
The result is, they're waxing ecstatic.

A disgusting harlot, Louise,
Had cunt hair that hung down to her knees
Till the crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a knot,
And constructed a flying trapeze.

A buxom strip dancer named Jane
Wore a costume of thin cellophane,
When asked why she wore it,
She said, "I abhor it,
But my cunt juice would spatter like rain."

There was a crass whore in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
He attacked her with zest
Asking, "Am I the best?"
Her reply: "Hey, Pop, is it in?"

There was an old maid name of May
Who was strolling one day by the bay.
She was seized by a man
Who raped her and ran.
now she goes to the bay every day.

Said a worldly old maid named Noreen,
"I prefer a man of eighteen.
His pecker's more stiff,
When he thrusts in my quiff,
And he screws in a manner obscene."

A king sadly said to his queen,
"In parts you have grown far from lean,"
She said, "I don't give a damn,
You always craves beef and ham."
He sneered, "That's a thought most obscene.

An Italian girl named Astaire
Was totally covered by hair.
But the boys all got kicks
From probing with pricks,
For her pussy could be anywhere.

Said the old whore to the arrogant Fong,
"You're rude and you're utterly wrong,
To say my vagina
Is the largest in China,
Just because of your puny, thin dong."

There was a young lady named Glitch
Who for sadism had a strong itch.
In her box she put pepper,
And slept with a leper,
And castrated the fellow, the bitch!

A gay steward who sailed on a clipper,
Was quite a perverted young nipper.
He plugged up his ass,
With fragments of glass,
And circumcised the skipper.

There was a young Sappho named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana
Which she sucked bit by bit
From her partner's warm slit
In the most approved lesbian manner.

Said the mythical King of Algiers
To his harem assembled, "My dears,
You might think it odd of me,
But I'm tired of sodomy,
Tonight there'll be fucking!" (Loud Cheers)

"When I see a monk's ass, I just grab it,"
Said a lazily amorous abbot.
"Though it's vastly more fun,
To make love to a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit."

There was a young nun of Gibraltar
Who was raped by a priest at the altar.
It really seemed odd
That a servant of God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.

A sensitive fellow named Harry
Thought sex too revolting to marry.
So he frowned on the girls,
Wore dresses and curls,
And he got to be known as a fairy.

There was a sad wife down in Kent
Whose old man, his pecker was bent.
She said with a sigh,
"OH, why must it die?
Let's fill it with rubber cement."

There was a young man whose tight seat,
Minced and swayed as he walked down the street.
      His cheeks were rouged red,
      And he playfully said,
"I may not be strong, but I'm sweet."

There was a strange fellow named Rice
Whose sex life was colder than ice,
     Till a male relation
     Restored his sensation,
Showing him homosexual vice.

Said Jane, to her mother, "I fear,
My husband's turned into a queer.
On Sundays and Mondays
He irons my undies,
And he secretly wears my brassiere."

Said a beefy old bull dyke named Fawn,
"A dildo is really a con.
But it's less of a joke,
If I'm drunk when I poke,
Which is why I keep trying one on."

The priest was seduced by a siren,
But his cock was the size of a pin.
Said the whore, with a laugh
As she touched his short shaft,
"This fuck won't be much of a sin."

A flatulent nun of Hawaii
One Christmas eve supped on papaya.
Then on the very next day,
She offered to play
With her ass, the whole Handel's Messiah.

'Twas a hardened old Biblical fossil.
Though a find, it seemed hardly colossal.
But the Vatican thought,
From the wonders it wrought,
'Twas the peter of Paul the apostle.

A young nun in theology class,
Preferred screwing to going to Mass.
Her lust was so great,
That by quarter past eight,
Her habit was covered by grass.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were fashioned by God.
But it was not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nighty,
It was Roger, the lodger, by God.

The pretty nun's life was so bleak
That she taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible
But cursed when she was taking a leak.

A synod of religious friars,
Were discussing their carnal desires.
Said a priest, sipping tea,
"No fat nuns are for me.
It's a slim altar boy that inspires."


The frustrated priest, Father Lou
Found a novice young nun who would screw.
But he hadn't the knack,
And thrust too far back.
She said, "Father, you're in the wrong pew!"

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to live belly to belly,
Because once in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed.
But as he grew older,
His technique grew bolder,
And in concert jacked off with his fist.

A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him---
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."

A sheriff from Bennington Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his trusty wood truncheon.

In all of the Grecian metropolis
There was only one virgin--Papapoulis;
But her cunt was all callous
From fucking a phallus
Of a god that adorned the Acropolis.

A sequestered nun in the convent,
With a candle her passions did vent.
Night out and night in,
She lay writhing in sin,
Giving thanks it was 10 months to Lent.

The mathematician Von Blecks
Devised an equation for sex,
     Having proved a good fuck
     Isn't patience or luck,
But a function of y over x.


There was a young fellow named Hiss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss.
     With the most beautiful Venus
     His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
                                         h
                                           I
                                            s.