There once was...........

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the abbot, "My word!
Has Father Stoddard,
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"    

A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him---
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."  

There was a young farmer named Buel
Who had a long and incredible tool.
He could use it to plow,
Or to screw a young cow,
Or just as a cue stick at pool.

A Quick-witted art critic in Soho,
Accosted a fortnight ago,
Is alleged to have quipped,
When a flasher unzipped,
"Your exhibit's well hung sir. Good show!"

Under the stars waxed a lecher most heinous.
To the girl, "Don't let morals restrain us.
Though I've made a career,
Out of Venus, my dear,
I'm tempted to switch to Uranus."

The lustful young wife was a rover
Who adulterously told men who drove her
To cry, when they came,
"Oh, my, what a shame,
We'll have to start up all over!"

A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.


Said a worldly old maid named Noreen,
"I prefer a man of eighteen.
His pecker's more stiff,
When he thrusts in my quiff,
And he screws in a manner obscene."

There was a young man from Sioux Falls
Renowned in Vaudeville halls.
His favorite trick,
Was to stand on his prick
Then to slide off the stage on his balls.

There was an old hermit of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
He explained,"I don't mind,
For she's gentle and kind,
But I wish she had slightly less hair."

There was a young coed at Kent
Who said she knew what it meant
When studs asked her to dine
Upon lobster and wine.
She knew. Oh she knew. But she went!

A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
She had no where to turn,
So she diddled a churn,
And managed to come with the butter.

A young Polish peasant from Gorsk,
Fell madly in love with his horse.
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion---
And sodomy's grounds for divorce."


There was a young lady named Schneider,
Who had an ungodly passion for spiders.
She found a strange bliss,
In the sound of her piss,
As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.

There was an old maid name of Croft,
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which, they did not go soft.

A desperate spinster named Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare
And prayed to her God
"Take me here on the sod"
Then a passerby answered her prayer.

A drunken old woman named Rupps
Confessed one night in her cups,
"My life's worst folly,
Was fucking my collie---
But I got a nice price for the pups."

Of his face the girl thought not so much,
But then, at the very first touch
Her attitude shifted.
He was terribly gifted
At licking, and sucking, and such.

When asked to do something salacious
She answered, "Of course not! Good gracious!"
But the sight of his tool,
So induced her to drool,
That her view, in the end, was fellatious.

An acrobatic young man with blond hair
Was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in the mid-air.

A lusty young woodsman of Maine
For years with no women had lain.
But he found sublimation
At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine---God, the pain!

There was a young man most obscene
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex
It would fit either sex,
With attachments for those in between.

There was a young swimmer named Chad
Who one night thought he was a shad.
He dreamt he was spawning
And then, the next morning,
He saw on the sheets, that he had.

A girl making love with Joe Poole
Felt his passion grow suddenly cool.
But no lack of affection
Reduced his erection--
But his zipper had closed on his tool.

To Christopher Street came a guy
Who was hetero, homo and bi.
He could have or be had
By a lass or a lad
Or even by both when he'd try.

A Quick-witted art critic in Soho,
Accosted a fortnight ago,
Is alleged to have quipped,
When a flasher unzipped,
"Your exhibit's well hung sir. Good show!"

An acrobatic young man with blond hair
Was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in the mid-air.

A sensitive fellow named Harry
Thought sex too revolting to marry.
So he frowned on the girls,
Wore dresses and curls,
And he got to be known as a fairy.

Said an old maid one fondly remembers,
"Now my days are quite clearly Septembers.
All my fires have burned low,
I'll admit that it's so,
But you still might have fun in the embers.

The cost of bordellos was steep,
And the horny old Scot was so cheap,
That when he wanted to screw,
There was nothing to do,
But take out his passion on sheep.

The old woman hopped on for a ride,
And they humped---till he suddenly died.
His wife, for a week,
Sat on his stiff peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.

There was a young lady named Alice
Who thought of her cunt as a chalice.
One night, sleeping nude
She awoke feeling lewd
And found in her chalice, a phallus.

There was a young man name of Paul,
Whose cock was exceedingly small.
So he had the habit,
Of screwing with rabbits,
But the hares scarcely felt it at all.

A poor widow found herself in great need.
She had nothing to eat but some seeds.
Soon huge tufts of grass
Sprouted out of her ass
And her cunt was covered in weeds.

A sequestered nun in the convent,
With a candle her passions did vent.
Night out and night in,
She lay writhing in sin,
Giving thanks it was 10 months to Lent.

On a maiden a man once begat,
Male triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding.
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.

The beaver of hot-pantied Pearl
Incredibly just didn't curl.
When a hot-handed date
Said, "Your twat hair's so straight!"
She suggested he give it a whirl.

The young whore was such a crass shrew
She filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

There once were two brothers named Luntz
Who buggered each other at once.
When asked to account
For this intricate mount
They said, "Assholes are tighter than cunts."

There was a young man from Green Bay
Who fashioned a cunt made of clay.
But the heat of his prick
Turned it into a brick
And chafed all his foreskin away.

There was a young man most obscene
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex
It would fit either sex,
With attachments for those in between.

On a wanton young wife name of Zelda
Her husband a chastity belt welded.
She tried picking the lock
With the gardener's cock
And the next thing he knew, he was gelded.

The front of the young girl oft got rises
For her breasts were of two different sizes.
One was so small
It was nothing all,
But the other was huge and won prizes

A philanthropist name of Simon
Launched a nationwide search for a hymen.
But they found every girl
Had relinquished that pearl
In exchange for a jewel or some stipend.

In the farm belt, a hooker named Blum,
Who's the favorite floozy of some,
Takes her teeth out in bed,
To administer head,
Since her tricks love it, by gum

He seduced her and started to rub her,
But, frustrated, was heard to mutter,
"If your feminine glands,
Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."

A reckless punk rocker named Tate,
Got drunk before trying on skates.
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates

A young lady golfer named Duff
Had a lovely, luxuriant muff.
In his haste to get in her
One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.

A wanton young woman named Lake,
Fell so perversely in love with her snake,
That she wished the boa
Could shoot spermatozoa
So remarkable offspring they'd make.

In all of the Grecian metropolis
There was only one virgin--Papapoulis;
But her cunt was all callous
From fucking a phallus
Of a god that adorned the Acropolis